How Healing Abandonment Issues Actually Works

nicolemarzt
13 minutes ago
4 min read

Abandonment issues often stem from early experiences of neglect, loss, or inconsistent caregiving. These formative experiences can leave lasting imprints, influencing how you perceive yourself and relate to others. Healing from such deep-seated wounds is a multifaceted journey that involves self-awareness and cultivating healthier relational patterns. It takes time, and it's not a perfect process, but it is possible to work through these challenges.

Understanding Abandonment Trauma and the Fear of Abandonment

At their core, abandonment fears revolve around a pervasive anxiety associated with being left alone or rejected. Many mental health experts now use attachment style to describe the various ways abandonment concerns show up. The broad strokes of attachment styles include:

Anxious Attachment: Characterized by a need for constant reassurance and fear of losing loved ones. This can show up with 'clingy behavior' or efforts to control relationships.
Avoidant Attachment: Marked by emotional distancing and reluctance to form close bonds. This can result in feeling disconnected from others, even if they want to be close to you.
Disorganized Attachment: A combination of both anxious and avoidant behaviors, often resulting from traumatic experiences. This may show up as a series of push-pull dynamics.

Insecure attachment styles form in response to physical or emotional abandonment. If, during critical developmental stages, caregivers are inconsistent with how they attune to their child's needs, it can inadvertently trigger abandonment harm. This makes it hard for a child to cultivate a secure sense of self, and it can form the origins of a primary abandonment wound.

How Do You Heal Childhood Abandonment Trauma?

Healing abandonment issues does not happen overnight, and it typically entails changing different parts of your life. Like with most things, progress is not linear, and it's normal to have abandonment triggers still show up periodically. Ideally, you become more equipped at recognizing these triggers and tending to them thoughtfully.

Understand How Your 'Unhealthy' Coping Mechanisms May Be Protecting You

Whether you default to substance abuse, compulsive eating, promiscuity, self-harm, or other addictive behaviors, these seemingly impulsive patterns often create a sense of pseudo-attachment. The 'drug of choice' becomes a secure attachment, allowing you to maintain a false sense of control and predictability.

It's easy to get frustrated with yourself or try to will yourself into change. But an authentic healing journey requires understanding the core functions of your coping skills. Maybe they offered a much-needed sense of emotional numbness, blunting the intense and fluctuating emotions associated with trauma. Maybe they allowed you to self-medicate difficult symptoms of certain mental health conditions like depression or anxiety.

As you might notice, these gentle reframes shift the dialogue away from harsh language like self-sabotaging behaviors or self-destruction. They showcase how external comforts often replace intimate relationships- or soothe separation anxiety. Either way, healing often requires gratefully acknowledging the role of these behaviors and delicately releasing them.

Allow Yourself to Form Deep Emotional Connections

Although a genuine connection often holds a window to the potential of loss, healthy relationships really hold the key to relational healing. When we feel we belong with others, we start to build an internal compass of safety.

As you seek to repair attachment pain, you may find yourself reevaluating certain relationships. This is normal. You start to realize how important safety is with others. You start understanding how inconsistent interpersonal relationships can reenact the very abandonment anxiety you experienced as a child. Emotional instability is sometimes unavoidable, but adult relationships can and should generally feel grounded and predictable.

Connect to Your Inner Child

Although we can't go back to childhood, some people find it deeply meaningful to be able to 'reparent' their younger selves. In pragmatic terms, this means building a relationship with the younger parts of you that feel scared of abandonment and seek a sense of comfort or reassurance.

You can connect with your inner child by simply visualizing yourself at a younger age. Get curious about this part of you. How do they feel right now? What do they wish they had? How can you, as a grown-up, be there for them?

Aim to try to meet your inner child's needs in the present moment. This comes from a place of harnessing self-compassion. For example, if you weren't given opportunities for play, engage in creative expression. If you were punished for your feelings, prioritize creating space for your sadness or anger now. If connecting to your inner child feels impossible or even traumatic, a mental health professional can guide you through this work.

Treating Early Childhood Trauma and Mental Health Concerns at Resurface Group

If you resonate with having a deep-seated fear of abandonment, you're not alone. However, you don't have to suffer from low self-esteem or unstable relationship patterns indefinitely.

At Resurface Group, we treat psychological and physical trauma and offer a safe environment for building healthy relationships, managing intense emotions, and tending to your unique needs. If you're struggling with abandonment issues, it is possible to learn how to enjoy life and feel better about yourself.