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RESOURCES FROM RESURFACE

Is Codependency Always Bad?




Codependency is often perceived in a negative light because it's associated with themes of enabling, people-pleasing, and abusive dynamics. However, it's important to remember that relationships are nuanced- things may never be totally "good" or "bad."


Furthermore, the concept of codependency is often misunderstood. Some reliance on others is essential, as we all need support and care from others. But problems may arise when we give too much or give in ways that don't actually benefit the other person's well-being.


What Defines Codependency?

Codependency is a broad term that largely describes how one person (or both people) excessively relies on a person to secure specific needs. The dynamic can be imbalanced, in the sense that one person is constantly giving and the other is constantly taking. However, it can also be both people reinforcing dangerous habits, such as two people struggling with drug addiction buying, stealing, and using together.


Codependency typically entails some or all of the following issues:


Relying on the other person's external validation to highlight internal worth: People with codependent tendencies often center their self-esteem based on how others perceive them. You may feel inadequate, inferior, or unlovable unless receiving outward affirmation.


Overlooking or entirely neglecting your own needs: In a codependent relationship, people often "sacrifice" their own needs to take care of someone else or "preserve" the dynamic as a whole. Themes of martyrism may be strong, but this often intensifies resentment.


Limited or no boundaries: People in codependent relationships tend to lack clear boundaries. It's hard to say no to one another- or one person struggles to say no to the other. There's often a strong sense of loyalty to the relationship, even if that entails problematic actions like lying on behalf of the other person or doing things for them that they should be able to do themselves.


Themes of control or manipulation: Codependency can manifest as strong themes of control. For example, one partner may feel like they need to know all their partner's friends and whereabouts. This may be framed as "caring" about their well-being, but it's often in response to fearing rejection or wanting to establish a sense of authority within the relationship.


When Can Codependency Be Beneficial?

Codependency is rooted in basic survival. We're wired to protect our community and our immediate support system- often at all costs. Being alone often feels more detrimental than being in a harmful dynamic, and evolution is all about securing the survival of the fittest.


But beyond basic survival needs, codependency may be valuable if and when one person in the system starts making efforts to change themselves. For example, let's say you're in a codependent romantic relationship. You struggle to say no to your partner because you worry about hurting their feelings. You often "go with the flow" even if it means pushing aside your own needs. You have distanced yourself from other friends or interests because you feel so invested in this relationship.


At this point, the relationship may become harmful. You may be over-relying on your partner for emotional support, even though it means sacrificing your own sense of self.


However, if you start changing even one thing, the relationship may change greatly as a whole. For example, if you decide that you're going to start saying no to things you don't really want to do, you inherently impact the dynamic. Your partner is left with a choice: accepting your new boundary or engaging in a conflict with you. If they're willing to accept the boundary, it can mean that the relationship itself is strong and has potential for transformation. However, if you trying to better yourself leads to their resistance, it may mean that the relationship is more toxic than you potentially realized.


Balancing Interdependence With Autonomy

Interdependence refers to a mutual sense of boundaries and respect within a relationship. When people feel appropriately interdependent with one another, the dynamics feel safe and supportive. Communication tends to be collaborative, and there is a relatively even sense of giving and taking. Furthermore, both people have an independent sense of self.


This is much different from codependency, and having a 'core sense of self' tends to be the most distinguishing factor. When you have this strong sense of self, you:

  • know your own needs and values at a given time

  • readily recognize your strengths and weaknesses

  • understand your inherent worth regardless of external stimuli or other opinions

  • know how to take care of yourself when experiencing a given emotion


The more you embrace interpendence and strive to prioritize it in your relationships, the healthier they will feel. Even small steps in the right direction can make a big difference.


Building Healthy Relationships and Unpacking Codependency at Resurface Group

At Resurface Group, we understand that meaningful relationships set the foundation for a fulfilling life. When we feel surrounded by love and solid support, we tend to feel more optimistic about ourselves, and we tend to have a greater sense of resilience.


Our dynamic, community-based programs emphasize social skills training and interpersonal skills. We also help people strengthen their emotional regulation capacity, as this can improve how well you show up for yourself and connect to others.


Contact us today to learn more!

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