Intimacy fears are common and are often rooted in various emotional and psychological experiences. While many people connect this fear to romantic relationships, it can affect any sense of closeness and may impact family relationships, friends, and professional interpersonal relationships.
What Causes Intimacy Issues?
Past traumas: Many people fear intimacy due to past emotional traumas, including childhood sexual abuse, emotional abuse, emotional neglect, physical assault, and more. After a betrayal, people tend to become more guarded and hypervigilant. These emotional responses can be persistent, even in situations that may now be safe.
Internal shame: Shame has a way of telling you that, if people really knew you, they'd find you unlovable or unworthy. This kind of shame can lead to intimacy avoidance- you may keep people at an arm's distance to avoid being too vulnerable. This often correlates with a deep-seated fear of abandonment.
Fear of losing independence: Intimacy entails a sense of interdependence, and this can feel threatening for people who are used to being more autonomous. Even if you desire close relationships, leaning on others for resources or support may trigger a sense of losing control.
What Are Some Common Signs of Intimacy Struggles?
It's normal for people to have some hesitation to trust others. Moreover, the goal isn't to just freely trust anybody at any time- that would be equally unsafe as never trusting anyone at all.
Intimacy issues exist on a large spectrum, but some of the common signs include:
Inability to open up about your struggles: On the outside, it looks like you're doing well or that everything is under control. You don't let people get too close because it feels shameful, embarrassing, or awkward.
History of unstable or unhealthy relationships: Maybe you sabotage relationships once moving into a deeper state of emotional or sexual intimacy. Although intimate relationships may seem enticing, closeness often feels too threatening. Subsequently, you might fall into patterns of pushing people away or believing that a 'healthy romantic relationship' just isn't in the cards for you.
Self-medicating with substances: People who struggle with drugs or alcohol may also have a fear of intimacy. Sometimes they are more comfortable spending time alone, even in a state of self-destruction, because that provides some sense of control or safety.
Being abusive or cruel toward others: True intimacy is patient, kind, and compassionate. When you can safely be intimate with someone, you care for all their needs. However, if you struggle with intimacy, you may present as overly critical, controlling, or demeaning. This often has to do with managing ego, feeling threatened by someone else's behavior, or feeling like you must have full authority over what happens within the relationship.
How Do You Work Through Your Fear of Intimacy?
Despite how real and overwhelming your fears feel, it's important to trust that intimacy isn't an all-or-nothing experience. You can work through intimacy concerns slowly and safely while holding compassion for yourself. Here are some gentle reminders as you consider this process.
Get to know your inner critic: What negative thoughts have you internalized? How do they affect you as you move through various social and personal relationships? Are they your voice- or are they someone else's voice? Try not to judge what that inner critic says- instead, aim to get quiet and understand its needs and fears at this time.
Practice sharing more about yourself: It's okay (and even a good idea) to start with low-stakes social situations. You may feel uncomfortable, but exposing yourself to vulnerability is truly one of the best ways to strengthen your capacity for intimacy.
Know your personal boundaries: You don't need to share everything about yourself in an intimate relationship. Knowing your own limits sometimes maintains a sense of internal safety, and that can help you discern how you communicate your needs or feelings to others.
Accept what you can't control: Ultimately, pain and rejection can still happen, despite your best efforts. Human relationships can be messy and difficult. But missing out on meaningful relationships also has steep costs. Remember that you can't control anyone else's reactions to you. However, you can focus on your own social skills and emotional regulation.
Work with a depth-oriented or attachment-based therapist: These therapists are trained to understand attachment styles and how they play out in adult relationships. In therapy, you can also safely practice vulnerability. Over time, as you develop more internal trust, you may find that it's easier to carry out vulnerability in daily life.
Strengthening Connections and Improving Your Mental Health at Resurface Group
At Resurface Group, we help people strengthen their sense of community and connection to others. Good relationships are the heart of wellness, but certain mental health issues like depression, low self-esteem, anxiety, ADHD, or PTSD can make it difficult to achieve such intimacy.
We help people at all stages of recovery find internal wellness- you can get to a place where your symptoms feel manageable, and you can also get to a place where life feels far more rewarding and meaningful.
Contact us today to learn more about our dynamic programs!
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