Are You in Denial? How to Know and How to Change

nicolemarzt
Aug 8
4 min read

Denial isn’t always loud or obvious. Sometimes, it's as subtle as believing you're fine even when things clearly aren't fine. Other times, denial closely coincides with other patterns like minimization, distraction, or logical excuses to avoid pain or change.

But in all cases, it's important to remember that denial is a natural psychological defense mechanism. It's a safety response aimed to protect you when something feels too painful or threatening to acknowledge. However, pervasive denial has its consequences, often causing problems with true self-awareness, relationship issues, substance use, and more.

What Denial Actually Looks Like

Denial can take many forms, and it often wears a convincing disguise. It’s rarely just someone outright lying. Instead, it shows up in more subtle ways that slightly distort your feelings or reality.

Before you can start truly overcoming denial, you have to recognize it. Here are a few common signs:

Rationalizing problematic behavior: (“It’s not that bad,” or “Everyone else does this.”)
Avoiding difficult conversations or disregarding feedback from others
Becoming instantly defensive when someone brings up a concern
Minimizing your own pain (“Other people have it worse,” or “I should just be over it.”)
Keeping constantly busy to avoid stillness or emotional reflection
Shifting blame instead of engaging in self-reflection or considering personal responsibility

Why Denial Can Be So Hard to Let Go Of

Even when you suspect you’re in denial, it can be incredibly hard to move beyond it. Facing the truth often entails a sense of shame, loneliness, grief, or fear. You might deeply worry that, if you face what’s going on, things will fall apart,

It's true that denial provides a temporary sense of safety. When you're in the thick of it, it creates distance between you and pain. But healing never happens when you're distant from your own self. Real change requires honesty, vulnerability, and the courage to sit with what your own business, no matter how scary it may feel.

How to Start Addressing Denial

The shift away from denial typically doesn’t happen all at once. It’s often a gradual process of becoming more honest with yourself and having the willingness to acknowledge certain truths.

Start by Naming Your Resistance

Begin by asking: What feels hard to look at right now? You might not have a clear answer just yet, and that’s okay. Simply becoming aware that you’re avoiding something is a significant step.

You can write down a list of topics, feelings, or situations that evoke a sense of emotional discomfort or shutdown. Don’t force yourself to “figure it out.” Instead, approach your resistance with curiosity, not judgment.

Practice Slowing Down

Denial thrives in chaos and speed. When you’re constantly busy or distracted, it’s harder to access your inner truth. Slowing down allows space for your emotions to surface, which is necessary for real change.

Try carving out quiet time each day to simply sit with yourself. You might do this through journaling, meditative walks, or reflective breathing. Even five minutes of stillness can offer a sense of inner focus. It also supports you being more attuned to the present moment. Gradual practice with this kind of mindfulness can further pave a path for more self-compassion.

Ask Yourself What You're Afraid Of

Denial is usually protecting you from something serious, whether that's profound shame, grief, vulnerability, or a loss of control. When you can name the fear and accept the anxiety, you start loosening the grip it has on you.

Ask yourself:

What feels like it’s at stake if I admit the truth?
What would I need in order to feel safe enough to face this?

Invite Trusted Feedback

If you’re unsure whether you’re in denial, the people closest to you might already see what you can’t. That doesn’t mean they’re always right, but feedback can be a helpful mirror.

You may consider asking a loved one: Is there something you’ve been hesitant to say because you think I won’t want to hear it? Or: Have you noticed patterns in me that I might not be seeing clearly?

Aim to approach this gently. Feedback can sting, especially if it touches something real. But truth shared with love can be a powerful wake-up call.

Consider the Cost of Staying in Denial

For many people, denial is rooted in trauma. If you grew up in an environment where truth was punished or emotions were unsafe, denial may have been a necessary shield protecting you against more pain.

At some point, denial stops protecting and starts limiting. The longer you avoid the truth, the more energy it takes to maintain the illusion — and the harder it becomes to change.

Ask yourself: What has denial cost me? Maybe it's robbed you of clarity, intimacy, progress, or peace. Naming the cost doesn’t mean judging yourself — it simply means being honest about what’s no longer working.

Support for Emotional Awareness and Self-Understanding

Letting go of the emotional security that denial offers can feel threatening. You may feel like you have a fragile ego, and dealing with the stress of facing certain emotions head-on may seem frightening.

At Resurface Group, we help individuals reconnect with their inner experience, even when it’s messy, overwhelming, or hard to face. We treat various mental illnesses, including depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, substance use disorders, and more. No matter your circumstances, we are here to support your well-being and teach you adaptive coping strategies to manage life's challenges.